Due to a medical condition, I will be away starting the evening of Tuesday, March 22 and returning on Monday, April 4.

My condition? I have been self-diagnosed with a severe case of benign lack of vitamin D for which the remedy is complete isolation and exposure to granular rocks and minerals composed of silicon dioxide and prolonged immersion in dihydrogen monoxide mixed with either sodium or chlorine. This must be administered with a substantial dose of ultraviolet and other forms of radiation. Grueling, I know, but I’m a trooper. And I’ll take pictures.

During my treatment, my brilliant but humble associate, Ed Covelli, stands ready to assist with any questions. You can contact him by calling the main office number of (212) 201-1465, or via e-mail.

[Written by Kem Tekinay]